Regan Smith Hits Relationship Campaign Trail, Announces New Plan to Overcome Crippling Anxiety, Immaturity

  Ms. Smith delivering a speech at the annual Burger Prom Forum in 2011. Photo Courtesy of Regan Smith.

Ms. Smith delivering a speech at the annual Burger Prom Forum in 2011. Photo Courtesy of Regan Smith.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA – Regan Smith, frequent coffee shop visitor and trusted watcher of defecating strangers’ laptops, recently admitted to experiencing passing feelings of jealousy and professional inadequacy. Citing “social networking sites on the world wide web” and “constantly chipped nail polish” as possible sources, Smith, 28, says she attempted to alleviate the extreme emotional duress with thoughts of later consuming pizza for a dinnertime meal, but was unsuccessful. 

“The problem is that pizza gives me gas, which would just make me feel shittier. Literally. Hahaha,” said Smith, in a brave show of candor and preternatural wisdom. 

Known widely for her neutral to marginally unpleasant attitude in periods of global crisis, Smith vowed to “do things differently this time,” and told reporters she would only resort to silent stewing and gentle passive aggression if provoked. When asked about yesterday’s incident involving a dispute with her roommate over the state of the kitchen’s dish cleanliness–which was later revealed to be a misguided cover for her underlying acute self-loathing and paranoia–Smith declined to comment. 

In a statement to the press released earlier this evening, a representative for Ms. Smith assured local residents that she is “a better, more mature and spiritually enlightened woman now,” and promised “a warm meal for every dog and a bed for every child.”

The statement has since been clarified to reflect concerns over the comparison between canine and human child welfare.  

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