FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, world-renowned drainer of canned tuna and other tin-encased food products, held a press conference Tuesday morning to address the latest in what has become a series of disturbing accusations.
A local resident–who asked to remain anonymous for fear of political backlash–alleges that while patronizing a public establishment last weekend he witnessed the beloved philanthropist reach “several inches” below the waistband of her pantaloons and make a “definite scratching motion” within the cheek region of her backside. Though Smith initially denied the accusation, asserting “there were children and uncovered pastries nearby! I’m not a monster, for god's sake,” in a shocking turn of events Monday night redacted the statement when another scarred witness stepped forward.
Speaking from the steps of the quaint coffee shop where the most recent episode occurred, Ms. Smith wiped away tears as she described the impact the affair has had on her personal life.
“I know now that I have a problem. My heart is broken. My family is broken. My fingernails are broken. Like the pink scratch marks on my otherwise pasty buttocks, this, too, will take time to heal.”
Once considered a frontrunner for the position of Possible Fantasy Subject When Very Drunk or Unimaginative among several hormonal males aged 28-32, Smith’s fall from grace has been swift. Beginning with a light nose-picking that was caught on gas station security cameras Halloween night, Smith’s public hygiene has grown increasingly lax over previous weeks, leading some to speculate the former Miss Costco 2014 may have simply “given up.”