FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, proud owner of several pairs of homemade jorts, acknowledged this morning that last night’s strategy for generating sensual feelings with her current roommate and chosen beau was a resounding failure. “I really biffed it,” Smith lamented. Reminding the press that keeping the romance alive is a “constant struggle for even the most solid teams,” Smith blamed the loss on a faulty contact lens dragging down her right eye.
“It was hurting the whole time. I think he thought I was winking at him, but really I was just trying to remove the blockage with my tears,” Smith said.
Known for her unconventional tactics on the field–including her signature "Hail Jerry" move (named after comedian Jerry Seinfeld, whose shrill, piercing vocal tone is used to confuse and disarm partners while Smith moves in for a gentle embrace)–Smith has never been one to shy away from putting on a show. But not even the most die-hard fan could forgive the mess of two-day stubbled limbs and inadvertent weeping that happened Sunday night. "I'm truly sorry for the pain I've caused–both emotional and physical. I have already offered to administer antiseptic to my partner's wounds, and will likely be buying him a cookie later as well," the 2014 Paul Blart Trophy winner promised.
When pressed for details about what this latest foible means for the future of the franchise, Smith adopted a more positive tone, noting that “we just need to play our game. And I have to go pick up more lens solution at Costco.”
Smith’s former sensual sparring partners could not be reached for comment.