Regan Smith Begins Internal Bargaining Process for Holiday Party Alcohol Consumption

A festive Regan Smith, bringing great shame to her family. Photo courtesy of Regan Smith.

A festive Regan Smith, bringing great shame to her family. Photo courtesy of Regan Smith.


Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, poet laureate of various apartment complexes in the wider uptown area, marked the start of this year’s month-long bargaining process with a ribbon cutting ceremony at her residence last night. “I wrapped the ribbon snugly around my cranium to make the moment feel special,” Smith explained. The annual event, which has roots dating back to the first time someone learned alcohol could dull the tedium of small talk with people you don’t really care for, follows Ms. Smith as she negotiates the maximum number of alcoholic units socially acceptable for consumption per holiday-related outing. 

“It’s an incredibly tense and thrilling dance,” Smith said, wiping a bead of sweat from her unplucked brow. “So many factors come into play when you’re in the heat of the moment, trying to strike a deal. Are three beers of moderate ABV really worth the subsequent pelvic bloat and conspicuous trips to the bathroom? Is one generous glass of red wine truly a safe bet when you take gross red wine teeth into consideration? You’ve got to know how to jump at the smell of blood to make it in this cutthroat pro-con list.”

Known for her unorthodox approach to business, few were surprised when revelations surfaced earlier this week regarding Smith’s decision to hold the negotiation sessions in her shower, at the wheel of her 1998 Jeep Cherokee, Ol’ Blue, and late at night underneath the noise-reducing covers of her shared dutch oven bed. Said the venerated entrepreneur of her bold move, “Kevin James didn’t make his mark playing it safe. Why should I?”

Asked to comment on the much-publicized 2012 breakdown of the bargaining process, Ms. Smith flashed her trademark impish grin and stated "You win some, you cry outside in the snow while drunk-dialing everyone in your phonebook whose name starts with J some." 


Regan Smith