Regan Smith Rates Last Night’s Small Talk Performance “Just OK”

Regan Smith practicing her conversation pose this summer. Photo courtesy of Regan Smith.

Regan Smith practicing her conversation pose this summer. Photo courtesy of Regan Smith.


Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, the Midwest’s number one purveyor of gently-used merkin bedazzlers, has released the much-anticipated results of last night’s small talk performance at a social gathering convened by her organization. “It was certainly not my best showing, but nobody cried and I didn’t get punched in the windpipe, so overall it was a success. I’d give myself a B-/C+,” Smith said. Scoring for the evening carried across several categories, including: Conversation Topics Covered, Body Language of Respondent with Special Consideration Paid to Darting Eyes and Heavy Breathing, Average Uncomfortable Pause Length, and Evidence of Possible Halitosis. 

“I had to balance the desire to dull my moderate social anxiety through excessive inebriation with my desire to not die in a fiery car crash on the way home and permanently ruin the lives of my loved ones, so, obviously there were a lot of tough calls to make. Ultimately, it all comes down to priorities,” Smith explained.

The majority of participants surveyed at last night’s event reported vaguely remembering a slovenly late-twenties brunette hovering near the refreshments table, though few could recollect sharing any meaningful words. Pressed for details about the exact number of conversations upon which the scoring was based, Ms. Smith admitted spending a fair portion of the evening not engaged in human interaction. “Yes I did go to the bathroom five times even though I only really needed to pee twice, and yes I did busy myself with various decor-related tasks that did not serve any real purpose, and yes I did at one point go out to sit in my car in silence for five full minutes, but no, I absolutely did not ‘avoid chatting’ or ‘practice evasive social maneuvers’ or ‘cower quietly in the shadows of the giant Christmas tree’ last night.”  

When asked by reporters about her projections for tonight’s small talk performance, Smith flashed a hearty double thumbs-up then receded slowly into a nearby hedge. 


Regan Smith