FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, MN – Regan Smith, holder of several self-appointed humorous nicknames, delivered a powerful speech Tuesday night while accepting the prestigious Philanthropist of the Year Award. Recognized for her years of work selflessly wiping off the disgusting detritus left on public toilet bowls by previous occupants, Ms. Smith, 28, is the youngest woman named Regan to ever achieve the honor. “You could say I’m ‘bowled’ over with joy, ha ha ha. You know, like ‘toilet bowl’?” the angelic benefactress joked, in one of many hilarious bits that totally killed. Speaking from the East Room of the White House where the crowning ceremony took place, Smith brought the audience to tears with her passionate oration on the plight of modern public restroom decorum.
“For every man, woman, or child who enters a stall, there is a despicable stray pube of unknown origin waiting to take secret residence on their upper thigh or buttocks. For the past decade I have fought tirelessly to protect my fellow citizens and prevent such foul, needless tragedy,” Smith cried, pounding the podium for dramatic effect.
From returning abandoned shopping carts to their designated parking lot corrals to using the widely-reviled Instagram filter “Kelvin” just to make it feel better, Smith’s short, dazzling life has been distinguished by a series of selfless acts. Asked by reporters whether Pope Francis may have overlooked a less obvious candidate in his recent decision to canonize Mother Teresa, Smith demurred with characteristic grace. “Oh heavens no! Heh heh. See what I did there? With the word ‘heavens’? Now if there was a patron saint of pun humor we might have an issue on our hands!”
Requests for photo-ops of Ms. Smith and the collection of stray pubes she’s extracted from public restrooms are being directed to her publicist and dog, Mikko Smith.