FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, America’s foremost Willow scholar, delivered an empowering message Thursday morning when she made the difficult decision to leave her apartment and go out in public despite waking up with an ugly looking face. “I will not let this break me,” Smith declared, affixing a stoic expression to her weary, bedraggled countenance.
Exhibiting classic symptoms of puffy eye, splotchy epidermis, and the dreaded flakey boogar nose, Smith, 28, appeared to be showing signs of early onset societal obsolescence and/or being kind of tired.
“This morning when I woke up and approached the mirror it became immediately clear to me that I was the most hideous person alive, that every single woman on the planet is exponentially more attractive than me–especially those who have previously dated my boyfriend before he settled for my dumb, useless face–, that I don’t know how to punctuate sentences, and that my life henceforth shall be naught but a long, dark road to devastating failure and abject misery…In spite of this, however, I choose to go on,” Ms. Smith stated, gazing bravely into the distance.
Though critics have claimed that Smith’s condition will likely lead to the swift downfall of humankind and are encouraging her to seek permanent refuge underneath her comforter, the plucky young gargoyle remains stalwart in her resolve to continue leading a mostly negligible existence.
“Some might call me a hero,” Smith said in an interview with Barbara Walters this afternoon. “And more should. Because I am. You can end the quote there. Yes, there is good. Thank you, Barbara.”
Donations to support Regan Smith in her journey toward self-actualization can be made to the Regan Smith Fund for Mornings When Regan Smith Wakes Up Feeling Slightly Unattractive, a spokesperson announced.