FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, permanently on-call petter of other people’s dogs, announced Thursday morning that she has completed her annual internal review and settled on a new identity for 2016. Speaking from the toilet in her uptown apartment where the majority of soul-searching took place, Smith recounted the harrowing decision-making process. “Let’s just say there were a lot of nights when I only got seven and a half to eight hours of sleep instead of my optimal nine.” In a nod to her rapidly fading youth, Smith proclaimed her 2016 look will pair a slender but intimidating athletic body with perfectly rumpled and elaborately coiffed hair, rockstar meets cheeky accountant makeup, and a trademark combination of loud blouses with jorts over tights.
“Initially I was leaning toward elegant, waif-like figure with lightly tousled flowing hair, minimal makeup that perfectly highlights my newly-discovered natural beauty and inner glow, coupled with a small rotation of neutral-toned, understated yet classically fashionable outfits. But I switched courses at the last minute after seeing that girl in The Force Awakens and Googling pictures of Amy Winehouse for three hours,” Smith explained.
As for her new personality, the failed ingénue is opting for an overall devil may care attitude and charmingly candid disposition. While 2015’s personality was arguably defined by its chronic self-doubt and sophomoric obsession with flatulence, Smith says she’s excited to begin exploring life as a completely different person next week. “I’m a total wild card now, anything could happen. Who knows, maybe I’ll even experiment with non-mind altering legal drugs!”
Those who wish to bid farewell to Current Regan Smith are invited to think a meaningful goodbye thought tonight between the hours of 11:30 PM and midnight. Locating a private area to accommodate gentle weeping and emotional outbursts is strongly encouraged.