Regan Smith Experiences Surge of Affection for Humanity, Expresses Via Facebook Likes
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, secret befouler of many a local coffeeshop bathroom, experienced a rush of warm feelings toward her fellow man Saturday night after consuming several beers of high ABV. “They were Bell’s Two-Hearted, which is what I use to sedate the bugs in my apartment,” Smith explained. In reaction to her newfound love for all humankind, the 28 year old budding philosopher reported being consumed by a sudden and powerful need to “like” as many of her Facebook friends’ status updates as possible–allegedly without regard to her true opinion or interest level.
“I even went so far as to comment ‘this is really inspiring!’ on a link one of my acquaintances shared, despite having never met her in person or held a real conversation. She hasn’t acknowledged it yet, but I imagine she’s probably just overwhelmed with emotion after receiving such a meaningful expression of tenderness and esteem,” Smith posited.
Known for her blasé attitude and frequent caustic outbursts, some have questioned whether this recent about-face may not be entirely earnest. A confidential source revealed Smith once admitted to liking several of her friends status updates at random, after feeling pressured by the friends' consistent support of Smith’s own Facebook activity. Confronted with the allegations of her dubious past, Ms. Smith became defensive and began emitting a low guttural sound while slinking backwards into a nearby ditch.
A statement released by Smith’s lawyer this morning defended her actions. “Objection! My client stands by every single one of those little grey thumbs. She genuinely liked everything she saw–in the sense that it briefly passed through her field of vision and didn’t elicit visceral revulsion, which is all you can really ask of most things people post on Facebook anyway. No further questions, your honor.”
Those affected by Saturday night’s liking rampage are being directed to submit a formal complaint to the GeoCities website of Mr. Ken Kratz, Esq..