FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, proud maker of marginal guacamole and guacamole-like derivatives, released a statement Thursday morning alerting other coffee shop patrons that the extra seat at her table is up for grabs. Smiling apologetically at random passersby, Smith says she wants people to know that she’s acutely aware her spot is coveted and she’s not taking it for granted. “I just feel it’s important for everyone to understand that I’m not like one of those jerk coffee shop people who take entire four-tops for themselves then spread their crap everywhere to make it seem like they really need the space. I’m one of the good ones.” Explaining that the shop used to be much emptier, Smith considered leaving when the rush started but was in the middle of constructing a promising tweet about ketchup. As the jockeying for spots became more intense, the young altruist instead tried to make it clear that she would gladly share her table with an inquiring stranger.
“I mean, it’s only a two-top so it would definitely be a little cozy, and one of the legs is off so the ferocity of my typing might wobble the table a bit, and it’s possible that the close proximity might lead us to awkwardly bump knees a couple times then accidentally make eye contact before quickly looking away and laughing nervously. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Let us find strength in the brave words of my esteemed forebear Franklin Delano Roosevelt, ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the crippling economic blows of the Great Depression.’”
In addition to maintaining a beatific facial expression, Ms. Smith, 28, reports taking several drastic measures to ensure her fellow comrades were aware of the opportunity, including clearing all personal belongings from one half of the surface and even pushing the empty chair out a little “so it appeared more inviting.”
Addressing rumors that she was only offering the open spot to reduce her anxiety about looking selfish and didn’t actually want anyone to sit with her, Smith became visibly agitated and began shuffling through her purse. After attempting to hand a reporter what appeared to be a mostly-completed Pizza Luce punch card while shouting “Oh yeah? Would a selfish person do this??” Smith was asked to lower her voice or leave.
As of press time, no one had yet taken up her gracious table offer.