FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, founder and sole member of famed Minneapolis lunch club The Soup Troop, exhibited a shockingly chill attitude during the global premiere of her new haircut Friday night. Despite going to shorter lengths than she’s ever gone before, fans were surprised to find the usually high-strung Smith uncharacteristically laid back about the transformation. “It’s just hair, you know?” the modern day James Dean purred between really cool looking drags of her cigarette. When reminded of the manic flurry of Google image searches for “Tegan and Sara’s hair but on someone without a well-defined jawline and breathtakingly androgynous beauty” and constant pleas for reassurance from her loved ones that she was “doing the right thing” in the weeks leading up to the cut, Ms. Smith, 28, gazed calmly over her Ray-Bans and laughed.
“When you get older you realize that changing how you look on the outside only sometimes changes who you are on the inside,” Smith said, misquoting a valuable life lesson from popular children’s show Reading Rainbow. “Only an incredibly immature person would think a hair cut could induce complete spiritual enlightenment, provide immediate escape from the tedium of insular midwestern life, and convince her boyfriend she was still the same self-assured, enchanting temptress he fell in love with all those years ago.”
As for how the cut may affect those of less even-tempered disposition, the pasty lil buddha says she expects the transition period to stretch several months. Predicting erratic, emotionally-charged behavior as a likely outcome, Smith is offering the services of her five therapists to help ease the public through the difficult process. “Everyone deals with change differently. For some, the loss of the bedraggled she-troll they once knew could prove devastating. For others, struggling with constant and uncontrollable amorous urges in my new haircut’s presence may provoke feelings of shame and confusion. The important thing is to give people as much time as they need to adjust.”
A ten-part Netflix documentary exploring Smith’s lifetime of revolutionary style choices, titled “Can You Believe I Got This Entire Outfit at Target Just Like Everyone Else on the Planet: The Regan Smith Story,” is slated for release on April 4th.