FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Minneapolis, Minnesota – Regan Smith, accomplished fart holder-inner, cheated certain death and moderate embarrassment Sunday morning when she managed to escape a social gathering before being forced to hold a baby. Sitting in the lobby of Region’s Hospital where she was taken for routine psychological evaluation immediately following the ordeal, Smith described the experience as “absolutely traumatic. Second only to that time I forgot my doggy bag at an expensive restaurant.”
Hosted in the rumpus room of a former associate, the gathering consisted primarily of pleasantries and crumpets between old friends. When one of the attendants arrived with spawn in tow, however, things took an unexpected turn.
“We were all sitting around making humorous comments and responding humorously in kind, when I noticed that nearly every person at the table was spending upwards of five minutes physically embracing the baby. It was almost as if the sight of such a tiny, fragile being didn’t render them paralyzed with the fear at their complete and utter incapacity to provide for another creature’s insatiable needs. I have no fucking idea what was going on,” Smith explained, shaking visibly.
As the meal wore on, the child in question continued making its rounds until it landed in the lap of the person directly to Ms. Smith’s left. Though the aged debutante insists she has nothing against babies or the people who choose to create them, citing the fact that “some of the best people I know have been babies at one point in their lives,” the anticipation of contact sent Smith into a sustained inner panic. However, as social mores dictate that all women innately desire the close proximity of human offspring, Ms. Smith, 28, dutifully avoided rearing back in horror when the child was thrust toward her ill-equipped bosom.
Following in the footsteps of every baby and several grown men before it, the child wisely burst into tears immediately upon making contact with Smith’s clammy paws and was quickly retrieved by its mother. “It was really more of an extended pass than an actual hold,” witnesses reported.
Ms. Smith cited pressing dog-related errands and made a graceful exit shortly thereafter.